what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
