Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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