I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
