the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
