Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
