You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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