Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
