Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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