so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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