When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
