I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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