I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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