I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
