I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
