I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
