you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
