you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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