if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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