tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
