and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
