i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
