What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
