Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
