I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
This is my gift to your gina
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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