just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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