Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
