i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
