I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
