My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Is her dick bigger than yours?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
