There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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