I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
