On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
