i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
you never un-have a 4some
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
