that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
