Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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