PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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