I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
