So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
