does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
