Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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