It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
