Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
