omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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