is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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