Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
