Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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