I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
