My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
