fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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