Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
high people should be assigned attendants
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
