i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
